Friday, August 18, 2006

If you just...

If there was a pill that made you immune to caring what others think of you, would you swallow it? Technically, of course, this should be possible without medication. I don't like admitting this, but I spend too much time in relapse feeling ashamed that I had become a bit smug (albeit inadvertently) while being slightly more active.
Physical improvement feels like the most natural and progressive thing in the world. The body says, 'Ah...here's the key at last; this is the right path, keep on like this and you'll be fine.' It's hugely seductive. There is an instinct to look at others, wishing they could feel it too. Yet this can involve a questioning of their situation, of wondering why they are still stuck and the thought, 'Maybe if you just....XYZ'; where XYZ can mean - get up a bit more, sleep earlier, stress less, leave no stone unturned.
People often ask me, 'Is there nothing they can do for you? (ie doctors)'. The question is well-meant but they are probably thinking what I constantly think myself - 'Have I tried everything I can? Am I doing everything I can?' The answer, I think - as far as we know the answer to anything- is YES, YES, YES. It's only in relapse that I feel this in every cell. I feel awful that I (as a PWME!) wondered if other PWME couldn't try something different or do better. I'm convinced that if PWME's can think this way of each other, then God knows what prescriptive thoughts Joe Public has about us. Even the most well meaning Joe Public...
And, of course, we cannot stress ourselves by worrying about it. Send us off to work in the mines, I say! Give us jobs in holiday camps! Don't let us blog about it for goodness' sake.

3 comments:

nmj said...

Hey C, Am sorry you are in relapse.When I relapse I find it frightening to find that you can slip into 'ill again' mode so easily - I mean the psychology of being very ill again. I think it's a protective mechanism to process the utter disappointment. I tend to spend a few weeks railing against the relapse then I just accept it and wonder how many weeks/months it's going to last. (I don't allow myself to count in years, that is just too frightening.) But the longer I have this illness, the more baffling it becomes. How could I walk a mile last week, but barely shuffle into the shower this week? But I have to say, I personally have never wondered if I could do anything else, anything more to ease symptoms. I do however agree that Joe Public must look at us and think, mmm, she was 'okay' last week. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't.

Jennie said...

As usual, you express this better than I ever good. Sending you thoughts of stength - Jennie

Sue Jackson said...

I also get into this kind of a "state" when I crash, constantly wondering what I did wrong, what I could do differently. And I didn't realize until you said it, but I guess I do also wonder if others who are sicker with CFIDS are doing all they can do as well. Making matters worse is all of the positive-thinking garbage. I'm a firm believer in the power of our minds and emotions and try to maintain a sense of hope and joy in my life, but I have no patience at all for books that insinuate I could be well if only I would do X. It's very hard, in our society, to accept that we may not have control over our own bodies.

Sue