Readers, I am back online. And while you pop the champagne corks for me, let me tell you of today's small adventures in the in-between land of trying-to-get-better.
For this, I must improvise a new word: Schadenschade - the opposite of Schadenfreude. Let Schadenschade denote the feeling experienced when you are involved in a situation or event that is worthy and well-meant, and you start out with enthusiasm, and yes, definite aspiration....until gradually this va-va-voom morphs into deflation, as you start to feel compromised by the very situation you had such generous hope for.
I started a short journalism course run by an international charity and in the first lesson on grammar and proof reading, many minutes were spent making sure everyone understood the difference between There, They're and Their.
I know. There were foreign students with limited English in the class. The teacher seemed a very decent guy and naturally didn't want to exclude anyone. Everyone was smiley and warm. The charity is life-affirming and ultra-worthy. But I ended up feeling comatose with drowsiness, as I had grasped the difference between There, They're and Their in Primary 5, and learning it again, several times over, made me want to leap out of the window just to alleviate the passing boredom. I felt weak with ennui.
Trying-to-get-better is littered with heart-buckling, Schadenschade schemes. I am not well enough to start a job on a newspaper. I can write the odd thing at home alone, but ultimately I'd love to move towards infrastructure and other people and chatty lunch breaks. Beggars can't be choosers - and no matter how uppity my frustration sounds - I know I am indeed a beggar in terms of work-life experience. I would be streets ahead if I had been able to finish my honours degree and train in a profession - psychologist, teacher, journalist, whatever... All of these would have built layers of confidence and expertise, where now there is only a great blank in my CV. Having said that, I used to think that dealing with serious illness was/is the hardest of jobs, so surely there is strength in that.
So where to next? I will keep thinking. We wore name badges today and people (understandably) pronounced Ciara as Key-ara. I scored it out and wrote 'Kira'. What else needs a line through it and a new piece of paper?
Have I been too moany? Do I need to practise the art of patience?