Friday, July 20, 2007

There it's there

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Readers, I am back online. And while you pop the champagne corks for me, let me tell you of today's small adventures in the in-between land of trying-to-get-better.

For this, I must improvise a new word: Schadenschade - the opposite of Schadenfreude. Let Schadenschade denote the feeling experienced when you are involved in a situation or event that is worthy and well-meant, and you start out with enthusiasm, and yes, definite aspiration....until gradually this va-va-voom morphs into deflation, as you start to feel compromised by the very situation you had such generous hope for.

I started a short journalism course run by an international charity and in the first lesson on grammar and proof reading, many minutes were spent making sure everyone understood the difference between There, They're and Their.

I know. There were foreign students with limited English in the class. The teacher seemed a very decent guy and naturally didn't want to exclude anyone. Everyone was smiley and warm. The charity is life-affirming and ultra-worthy. But I ended up feeling comatose with drowsiness, as I had grasped the difference between There, They're and Their in Primary 5, and learning it again, several times over, made me want to leap out of the window just to alleviate the passing boredom. I felt weak with ennui.

Trying-to-get-better is littered with heart-buckling, Schadenschade schemes. I am not well enough to start a job on a newspaper. I can write the odd thing at home alone, but ultimately I'd love to move towards infrastructure and other people and chatty lunch breaks. Beggars can't be choosers - and no matter how uppity my frustration sounds - I know I am indeed a beggar in terms of work-life experience. I would be streets ahead if I had been able to finish my honours degree and train in a profession - psychologist, teacher, journalist, whatever... All of these would have built layers of confidence and expertise, where now there is only a great blank in my CV. Having said that, I used to think that dealing with serious illness was/is the hardest of jobs, so surely there is strength in that.

So where to next? I will keep thinking. We wore name badges today and people (understandably) pronounced Ciara as Key-ara. I scored it out and wrote 'Kira'. What else needs a line through it and a new piece of paper?

Have I been too moany? Do I need to practise the art of patience?



Anonymous said...

today sounded like pretty good practice at the art of patience! (that's practice with a C by the way. And patience with a C)
Annie x

Mo said...

Sounds like we're going through the same thing at the moment Ciara. I just got turned down for VOLUNTARY work!! I'm not even good enough to do something that I wouldn't even get paid for. I was politely told that they only took on professionals. All my skills are about 16 years out of date.

Like you I just keep telling myself that the hardest battle - surviving ME and coming out the other end - is won.

No wonder you were bored out your skull!

The J said...

I'm right there with you, too! More than likely, once winter hits, I'll be back in the fight-to-get-out-of-bed, but right now I'm BORED! I've got an almost-PhD, and work experience (ooold...), and a BRAIN for goodness sakes. But as of yet no one is willing to take on a "well let's start at an hour a day, see where we get - and by the way, I might not be able to make it in at random times, just 'cause...". Sigh.

Patience. Right. Like we haven't been exercising that for many, many years.

NMJ said...

Hey C

Is so tricky when you feel well enough to be doing a few hours a week, but paid work - for such short hours - is nigh impossible to find.

And then you can't guarantee of course that you will be well enough to turn up.

I'm shocked you were turned down for vol work, Mo, this is a crying shame.

I have done a lot of vol work over the years, and you can gain valuable experience. Def worthwhile.

Hope you both find sth lovely for your talents.

Rachel Fox said...

Jobs,CVs...have failed in all these areas myself quite spectacularly (despite showing early promise, blah, blah).
But you - you've published a great book of poems and have a quote from Liz Lochhead (the marvellous!) saying you're great. I'd say you're a lot more of a success as a poet already than you realise (that doesn't read well, never mind). Being a poet is a pain in the backside sometimes but overall I think it is the best 'job' in the world. When it feels good - like you've really captured something - or when people respond well to a poem it's the biggest buzz there is. Carry on the good work!

sofamum said...

Oh how I relate to everything you said there about wanting not just to write for yourself but the "infrastructure and chatty lunch breaks" that go with a real job in the real world. And the exclusion that comes from having been out of the loop of professional training, experience, CV etc for so long despite the fact you could clearly write a column for a major newspaper as well as a journalist with 20 years "work" under their belt.You will find your niche, I'm sure. You already have with your blog and published poetry. I'm just heartened to hear that the improvement in health that brings up these issues is sustained. xx

Nicole said...

I see your point, definitely. English is not my mother tongue, but when it comes to there, they're and their, I would get very quickly inpatient as well!