Monday, August 27, 2007

Mind the Gap

People have told me they like the honesty of this 'ere blog, so I am bound by honesty to report that I am feeling a bit melancholy this evening. Ironic, perhaps as the Mickel Therapy is still going well overall. (How many of you readers are hungry for more specific MT feedback and how many dip in for everyday bloggy observations?)

For Mickel watchers, one aspect of the therapy is to learn to cast a neutral and calculating eye on your life as is and compare it with how you think your life would have been if you had never fallen ill. Then you have to leave no stone unturned in your hunt for ways that you could move forward, even crawl forward, to make up some of the difference. I know it sounds too facile to be applicable ("well, of course we would get better if we could", etc) and yet, I have seen some progress in my attempts to press forward.

Today I had my meeting at the job centre and I will fill in a form to let me start some voluntary work and/or to earn a tiny bit extra each week. It is progress certainly, and yet I think some of the hovering melancholy comes from feeling the size of the gap between where I am and where I want to go.

I talked to my dear friend, Stuart tonight and he said when he started to get better from his lonely years of physical debility, he wrestled with frustrations and anger that arose as he met life's challenges on the way back up towards the 'real' world. I suppose it makes sense in a way. It can just catch you by surprise.



Mo said...

Hi Ciara

You make some interesting points.

As I've got better I've had lots of frustrations come up: on the one hand, the thoughts of what might have been, had I not fallen ill; on the other coping with how the outside world has changed in 15 years isn't easy. I try and stay focused and positive and look at the progress that I've made. Many of my school friends are now struggling with their own problems - health, family and other issues and in a way I feel privileged in that my journey back to health has forced me to deal with many issues. I feel much stronger and know where I'm going in life now. In a way my school friends have been so busy having it all over the past years - having a career and bringing up their families that they haven't had time to take stock of their lives and many of them aren't that happy. One had got divorced twice, another has struggled with depression.

Hope this makes sense!

Mary Anne said...

I do like to hear about your experiences with MT. I find it all very interesting and encouraging, esp. the comparison between life as it is - and what would have been - and trying to move forward, even with the tiniest of steps. I also enjoy the 'bloggy' observations :).

sofamum said...

Hi Ciara, I'm so excited for you going to formalise all the arrangements for your part-time work. That is such an achievement. I really hope it all works out. I will hang onto that MT advice about pursuing every possible avenue to bring your life now closer to what you would have liked it to be. So many incidental illness-related factors intrude to lower our expectations and dampen optimism of what is possible after years of being ill and constantly disappointed. Well done for blowing out the cobwebs.

Anonymous said...

Ciara - just wanted to say I think you're a very talented, wonderful writer. I wish you well with your therapy. My partner's cousin also suffers from ME and I sent the Mickel Therapy link in hopes it will help her.